An Open Letter to Parents of Young Adults Who Stutter

Note: This letter has been lightly edited for brevity and clarity.

Parenting a young adult who stutters has its challenges. As we give them “more space,” it can be hard to keep tabs on their speech. 

The biggest shift with our son, Ethan, was sending him to college and not knowing how his social skills were going. He keeps to himself, so getting him to talk much about stuttering in the one or two phone calls a week was hard. We had to learn to respect him when he said he was “fine” or his speech was “OK.”

Give your child space because all kids need to adjust to taking care of themselves more as they get older, whether they stutter or not. We remind Ethan that if he needs to talk about his speech, we’re here, but we let it be if he doesn’t bring it up. But that can be hard because we don’t see him much in person once he returns to school.

We’ve learned to continue being patient when he speaks and to create a comfortable environment for him to stutter without judgment or pressure.

Communication is key. Does your child want to talk about their stutter? Would they like their home/family time to be a place without emphasis on their speech? Ask them. They are getting older; listen to them.

— Mike Gioscia

We have two children: our daughter is 23 and our 21-year-old son is the person who stutters (PWS). My mantra for them is SHH: Safe, Happy, and Healthy. They both are on the shy side, sweethearts, and hard workers. My husband, Mike, and I are a good team raising them and we are very happy they are open to talking to us about anything. We try to be open when talking to them.

When they went off to college, I was a typical nervous mom. Gigi went to college in 2020 at the height of COVID, but we got through it and she became acclimated and had a successful college experience. She now loves her new job as a physics teacher.

With Ethan, the stuttering, his shyness, and keeping organized were our biggest worries. 

We have a rule in our house: during the first week at college, they have to check in once a day (preferably via FaceTime) then just once a week after that. Ethan continued checking in almost every day without being prompted. We did the usual things of making sure that he reached out to his professors right before classes started to disclose that he is a PWS and the usual information of letting him finish, please don't call on him the first day, etc. 

I created a business card that says something like, "Hi, My name is Ethan and I am a person who stutters. Please be patient and let me get my words out." I also put pictures of things he loves to maybe instigate conversation. He's only used it once, but it's nice to have to take the pressure off of the person next to you in class starting a conversation.

His sophomore year was different. He didn't need the hand-holding as much and he didn't check in as often, so we took that as a win. He kept his grades up, ran, and hung out with the running club. Although not a party person, he had a few friends and we were happy about that. He will be a senior in the fall.

The NSA has made all of our lives better since we started going six years ago. We learned that you can't "cure" stuttering and that he may stutter all of his life. That was hard to accept at first as his stutter would come and then would be totally gone, then it would come back again. Now, we focus on SHH. He has this community at the NSA with friends his age and older that can inspire and relate to him. 

We have an awesome community as we learn from and get as much support from our NSA friends as we do from their workshops. Going to any NSA event is imperative for any PWS, no matter what age. Make sure your child exchanges phone numbers/social media handles with new friends to keep in touch. 

I think all speech therapists and doctors should be required to prescribe going to an NSA event. It's that life-changing!

Being open is important. We all know that you are supposed to let a PWS finish their words. Even if you know what they will say, you should not finish the word for them. But I asked Ethan, “If we are alone and I know what you are going to say, do you want me to finish your word for you, would that help?” He said, “No! Keep doing what you're doing.”

Last year, his blocking got really extreme. We said, “We don't care that you are stuttering, but we are worried if there is some stress causing it to be more pronounced. Is everything okay? How can we help?” This way, the stutter doesn't become the focus; his mental health does. 

Encourage your child to find a group or club to get involved with. Finding friends with similar interests is easier there. Kids these days aren't great at making friends at a place where they know no one. I see on my Facebook parents' groups (every college probably has one; there is a lot of good advice there, so join one) that kids without stutters have a hard time connecting and making friends, too. 

I’m not sure if it's a side effect of years of isolation due to COVID, the increase in social media, being on the phones too much, or a combination thereof, but it's a thing for non-stutterers too. Ethan used an app that helped him not be on his phone too much. It was called "Blocksite" and it was actually his idea! 

Lastly, let go of any guilt! Did you do too much speech therapy, not enough? Not the right therapist/doctor? No therapy? Didn't go to the NSA sooner? Not helping them enough? Helping too much/enabling them? LET IT GO! All you can do is go from here. The resources and connections at the NSA will help with all of that.

I look forward to meeting some of you at the next NSA Conference! You got this. :)

— Ethan's mom, AKA Linda Twiss Gioscia