‘I Know How You Feel’: Growing Up With a Father Who Stutters
Growing up, Keylee Tomjack didn’t have to explain every part of her stuttering to her father. DM Forker, a beloved member of the National Stuttering Association (NSA) community, stutters too. His shared experience gave her someone who understood the social anxiety, interruptions, laughter, and feeling of being overlooked that can accompany a stutter.
In this Q&A, Keylee reflects on the support she received at home as a person who stutters, the example her father set by pursuing a law enforcement career, and how motherhood has deepened her appreciation for her parents’ attention. She also speaks about her Christian faith that shaped her sense of identity and purpose.
Editor’s note: Keylee’s answers have been edited for clarity and brevity.
NSA: What did your father understand about your experience as a person who stutters that other adults (or people in general) may not have understood?
Keylee Tomjack: Growing up with a father who also stutters was like having a constant support line I could call for advice or emotional support. My father understood what it felt like to be interrupted, laughed at, or overlooked. He was and still is always there to listen to me and be a support. I am so blessed to have someone who can say, “I know how you feel,” and actually mean it. A lot of people tell people who stutter to “just slow down” or “focus on what you wanna say,” and he understands that it isn’t that easy. Speaking with a stutter often causes social anxiety. I would get nervous about meeting new people or starting a new job. My father is all too familiar with that same anxious feeling, so he was always very sensitive to mine. I can remember him asking me how my days went and how I felt in the situations I was in. He and my mother listened to me and talked through how I was feeling. I think they both really understood how important it was for me to speak my feelings out loud and to feel heard.
NSA: What did support look like in your household and were there ways your father supported you that you didn’t fully appreciate until you were older?
KT: In our home, support looked like my parents deciding to homeschool me because I was struggling with my stutter at school. In doing that, I was able to speak freely with my stutter. Being in an environment that I felt comfortable in really helped shape my self-image in a positive way. I wasn’t being made fun of all the time or constantly struggling to fit in, so I was able to come to terms with the way I talk and learned how to navigate it.
Another way my parents supported me was by pushing me to be the person that God created me to be in spite of my stutter. They instilled a faith in me and gave me scriptures from God’s word to hide in my heart. Having those verses spoken over me helped me replace those lies that I was believing in my head and showed me how loved I am by God. For example, if I was having issues with my self-image because of my stutter, my parents would have me read Psalms 139:14, which says, “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” This verse always reminded me that God created me and I am wonderfully made in His image.
NSA: How did growing up with a parent who also stutters influence the way you saw yourself and your own stutter?
KT: My father was very positive and encouraging to me, but I still saw the struggles that he went through. Seeing him struggle to get the words out was like watching him run a race through mud while everyone else was on dry ground. He always made it to the finish line, it just took a lot more effort. I saw how people reacted to him; some wouldn’t give him time to finish, some would give him weird looks, and some would act like they didn’t notice. So, for a long time, I believed I needed to hide my stutter in order not to be in those kinds of situations. Growing up, I allowed my stutter to become a big part of my identity. Although I was able to manage it well, I still saw it as a thorn in my side for a long time. No matter how many times I spoke Psalms 139:14 over myself, I still wasn’t able to see myself as a normal girl. I saw myself as a girl who was limited and broken. Now, I see that my identity isn’t about being a person who stutters, or someone who is broken, or someone who has limitations. Those were all lies that I was believing. Lies that were tearing me down. I now know that my identity is a child of God who has been fearfully and wonderfully made, to do great things that God has equipped me for.
NSA: Were there moments when seeing your father stutter openly affected how comfortable you felt speaking or advocating for yourself?
KT: Watching my dad go after his dreams despite his stutter really was a huge encouragement to me. He put himself out there multiple times, applying for law enforcement jobs. He went through multiple intense interviews and had some very heartbreaking moments, but he never gave up. I can still remember the day he called me and said that he got a job as a county sheriff's deputy. It will forever be one of my favorite core memories. Seeing him never stop going after his dream of becoming an officer really gave me the confidence to always go after my dreams and never let anyone tell me I can’t do something because of the way I talk. Parents, I really want to encourage you to always remember that your children are watching, so live your life the way you want them to live theirs in the future.
NSA: Has becoming a mother changed the way you understand or appreciate the support your father gave you?
KT: Becoming a mother has really made me appreciate the time my mother and father gave me. They both showed up to work with me, listened to what I had to say, and wanted to know how I was feeling. Even after a hard day at work, they always had time to sit and talk with me. I never felt like I was a burden or that I just needed to get over my feelings. They always made me feel accepted, loved, and understood. I can still remember sitting in the car texting my dad after I had a tough encounter with someone and my speech. Just seeing those words, “Me too, I'm in the same boat today. We just gotta keep going,” come across my phone made me feel so seen and so much better. He took time out of his day to sit and message me back and that was so meaningful to me. This is really something I am trying to do with my children. I believe the two most important things we can give our children are our faith in God and our time. Time spent with and for our children will never be wasted.
NSA: How has your experience as a person who stutters shaped the way you parent, especially when it comes to patience, empathy, and allowing your child to communicate in their own way?
KT: Being a mother who has a stutter has really shown me how important it is to listen when my children are talking. I know what it is like to have people talk over you or not give you their full attention when you are talking. In today's day and age, I think listening is a lost art. We are all too busy or preoccupied by our devices to actually sit and look each other in the eye while we are talking. Now, I am not perfect, but I hope that when my children are grown, they will be able to look back and say my husband and I always listened to what they had to say.
NSA: Is there anything else you'd like to add or say to the stuttering community?
KT: Don’t allow your stutter to become your identity. You were made for more. I believe if we stay focused on our stutter, we stay stuck in darkness. Always down and frustrated by it and never really living the life that God has for us.
We have always been loved, chosen, and special in God’s sight. It’s whether or not we will choose to believe it and live an abundant life.
